I think that my friend Garth is gay. He never dates girls, or seems to show any interest in girls. He was "just one of the girls" in high school. He said that all the girls in his previous college were pretty ugly. He claims that he thinks about girls all too often when I boldly inquired, but who knows; you can’t see the denial in someone’s eyes when you’re speaking over the internet. I wonder how someone can be so merry yet so oppressed. Or maybe he really feels nothing. All the time. He’s not emotional. He says he is really quite superficial actually.

Garth

I just don’t buy that a person of his intelligence could be that superficial without some second thought or at least some subconscious resistance. Sadness doesn’t seem to exist in him. I think everyone should have something to be sad or angry or wounded about. It grounds them. And of course the lack of emotion is a front for most people but I have known Garth since 2nd grade—we were best friends then—and we are both 21 now and all these years is just way too long to know someone and not know any of their personal memories that shaped them. He has shown me incredible loyalty, consistently instant messaging me when I’m 2000 miles away, haven’t seen him in 4 years, and I never instant message him because I think he’s boring. I need emotional content in my conversations. Not all of them—I can talk about the music we like and what bands are coming to town but it frustrates me when I know someone forever and I can’t even scratch the surface of their emotions. I am afraid that if he actually is gay, that he has all the pent up emotions that people who must keep such an intense, engulfing secret have, and one day he will explode.

 

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